Home Study: Done!

Ahhh... It has been a long road, but we are now (pretty much!) done with our Home Study. I feel like this was a race with three legs to it. The first leg was attending a 2.5-day training in late August, 2013. We learned so much about adoption at that training that it really was a valuable experience. Being able to meet adoptive parents and a birth mother and hear their stories was incredibly helpful. After the training I was motivated to begin the second leg of the race, the MOUNTAIN of paperwork.
Numerous times through this process I have been told by people that they wish all parents had to go through the rigorous vetting it takes for approval as adoptive parents. In some ways I certainly agree with them. There are many people who fall into parenthood accidentally or irresponsibly and could benefit by putting more thought into the decision. Society would probably benefit if those who are irresponsible were vetted out of becoming parents, as well. After going through this process, though, I think there would be much fewer children in the world (even to responsible, loving parents!) if everyone had to go through this. It is a lot of work! Much of it was easy enough, just time consuming. Some of it was thought provoking and helpful for reflection. But mostly... it was a LOT of work.
Leg three of our journey has been the Home Study process. This consisted of four visits, two at our home and two at the agency. The first two visits were more comfortable, getting-to-know-you visits. They asked about how we grew up, our relationships with our families, and our journey through infertility. This really was more comfortable and less intimidating.
The third visit was quite uncomfortable. Imagine filling out a survey while being stared at in silence. Ben was completing his survey next to me and also being stared at. I should state now, that the point of this visit was to ensure that we were good people and have a stable, loving marriage. Once the surveys were complete I was sent into another room to wait while they questioned Ben. About 25-30 minutes later, he came to trade places and said under his breath to get ready because it was "intense." And it was! I was asked about drugs, alcohol, my sex life, if I have ever been molested, when the last time was that I had viewed pornography, and so much more. What an uncomfortable experience! I was relieved when it was over.
At our fourth Home Study visit we dealt with some follow-up and clarifications from the previous visit and then discussed the type of child we are open to. This was also tough. We have decided that we are open to a child of any race. We are more concerned about the health of the child, and are quite picky there. This is about the only area we have some control over and it is important to us. We had not realized, when making this list, that some of the conditions we are not open to we will not know about until the birth. And some of them we may not know about till much later. This was tough to hear. Thankfully, our caseworker shared that over 90% of the children they work with are born healthy. This was good to hear. She also emphasized that God is the one who is really in charge here. He will bring us the child we are mean to parent. That was reassuring, too.
Okay, so we are done with our photo book, birth parent letter, professional photos, photo pages, and Home Study visits. We will have a few revisions to make in the profile letter and photo book, and then we will be placed on the website. At that point a new wait begins. Thankfully, this one will have a wonderfully happy ending.

The Rough and Winding Road

Many women recall dreaming of their wedding as a child. They may have pretended to walk down the aisle, say "I do," or toss their bouquet. As a young, altar girl in the Catholic church processing in behind our priest, I would often imagine myself walking those same steps as a bride someday. That was as far as my wedding dreams went. When I eventually did marry my husband years later, I did walk down an aisle, but it was under a blue sky and lined with grass.

     What I more often dreamed about as a little girl was being pregnant, having my husband feel my large belly, and having a bambino of my own. I loved playing with dolls and knew (by the age of 12) that my future daughter would be named Sophie. I still love that name and am set on it! I would think to myself, "This feels like an ordinary day, but someday it might be my baby's birthday."

    Fast forward to my 29th birthday in 2011. My husband and I were traveling in Europe where he was on a summer study abroad session for graduate school and I had hopped along since I am a teacher and have the luxury of free summers. We had been married for five years and up until this point I had tried out many of types of birth control from the Nuva Ring (loved it!) to a variety of pills (hated those!). On this trip, however, I announced to the dear man that I was through with birth control. I had been feeling the baby itch for some time and we had been discussing possible "start trying" times. That past school year, three other teachers in my building (all with variations of my first name) were pregnant and glowing excitedly. I was ready for my turn! I did give my husband the option of using condoms, but we all know how that goes.


We began trying that August and tried some more, and some more through the Fall. I was attempting to stay relaxed and waited for it to happen. Well, it kept not happening so I decided to do a little On-line research. I have heard countless women and doctors advise against this because it has been known to cause a baby-desiring woman like myself to become obsessed, but I pursued the internet baby-making bibles anyway. I learned about ovulation (most commonly between cycle days 11-14) and timed our intimate moments accordingly. Even with this my Aunt Flow kept visiting! Didn't she get the "You're no longer welcome" memo?!  Apparently, not.

     I am a big goal-setter and have been quite successful with this. My goal for pregnancy was to have my first of two children (spaced four years apart and one of each gender, or both girls) by my 30th birthday. I'm a planner, what can I say? As the months ticked by I refined my goal to having a baby during my 30th year. A few weeks after Christmas I decided that it might be a good idea to seek some professional advice (my mother's suggestion). I thought it was customary to try "on our own" for a year and then seek help, but I realized that my late night internet searches were beginning to take a toll on my sanity. Or rather, my sweet mom realized this. Before seeking help (because that would mean bringing in the big guns!), I resolved to take February off from the baby craziness. I drank wine, was intimate when I actually felt like it, and was so happy! It was a wonderful and much-needed vacation. At the beginning of March I called the hospital and set up an appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist. I was feeling relaxed (thank you, vacation!) and confident that the professionals would be able to help us. I also noticed that my bosoms were a bit sore and my period was late. Not imagining that I could possibly be pregnant, my first thought was to inform the doctor that my period was irregular and that they might need to address that, as well. With my appointment approaching and no Aunt Flow, I decided to take a pregnancy test so that I could tell the doctor that I had indeed seen a negative result.

     Surprise! It was positive! I practically had a heart-attack and am sure I added a few wrinkles to my forehead from opening my eyes so wide. As my husband and I were walking our dog that night he audibly pondered the notion that he might be inadvertently contributing to our failed pregnancy attempts. I couldn't keep the secret any longer and exclaimed that I didn't think so! After hearing the news of my best test result EVER (and, not to brag, but I was the Valedictorian of my high school class, so I care about grades) he almost had a heart attack himself.


    The next day I cancelled the appointment with the specialist and began looking at Craig's-list for strollers. I was so glad to be done with the baby-making journey and not to be one of those women who had trouble conceiving. I reasoned that I had just been a little stressed about it all and once I relaxed it had indeed worked out!  In March I flew back to my home state to visit my parents and sister. I could barely contain my excitement as they opened the gift bags I had brought them; each containing a onesie with a special message. It was great to have them in the loop, but I felt uncomfortable with all the chatter about me being a mom because I was not having any pregnancy symptoms other than a lack of period and slightly larger breasts. My mom attempted to put these fears to rest by assuring me that she, too, had easy pregnancies and recommended I count myself lucky.


  I tried to do this, but as the weeks passed on I couldn't shake the fear that there might be something wrong. I moved up my first ultrasound visit to the 8th week of my pregnancy so that I could finally put these fears to rest. As the hubs and I walked up to the pre-natal floor of the hospital I was incredibly nervous. The nurse who had ushered us into our exam room did a quick pelvic exam and then brought over the ultrasound equipment. I shared my concerns with her, but, like my mom, she was quick to put them to rest. Then she saw the ultrasound image. The look on her face was one of confusion and concern. She asked us to wait a moment so that she could grab a doctor to take a look at the screen. This was it, I realized. My doubts were becoming true. The doctor who came it looked at the screen and explained that things did not look as they should. I did have a gestational sack, but there was no heart beat and the sack looked as though it was caving in. I was crushed. After another visit with a different doctor to confirm the results and following the recommendation of this doctor, I decided to have a D&C that week.

  The night before the D&C was the hardest of my life. I was crumpled up on our bathroom floor crying so hard and feeling lower than I had ever felt. I honestly did not think I would be able to go through with the D&C. I just didn't think I was strong enough. My husband came upstairs and consoled me and let me know he would be there with me every step of the way.

   The next day came and went. It was difficult, unfamiliar, and many tears were shed. I resolved to never go through that again, if I could avoid it.

  After the regulatory month off following surgery we began trying again. I also decided to visit an acupuncturist to see if holistic medicine would help. I actually really enjoyed acupuncture. The women who administered it were kind, patient and good listeners. They helped me to realize that I ovulate late in my cycle (by recommending I take ovulation predictor kits until I had a positive test result, not just on days 11-14) and that my body temperature was a little lower that the norm. Though I enjoyed the holistic approach, by July I was not pregnant and decided to see the medical specialist after all. We met in late July to talk about options. I began trying to convince my husband that Clomid was not very invasive and might be a good next step. My 30th birthday was approaching and though my sister and her boyfriend were flying in to celebrate, I was not looking forward to it. For me, this birthday represented failure and sadness. We went camping and I visited the campground rest room often to see how my period was doing. I had started the day before they flew in, but never progressed much. On the afternoon of my 30th birthday, after returning to our home, I took a pregnancy test and received my second positive result. This one lasted a week.

 Fast forward a year. I have since taken 7 cycles of Clomid, four IUIs, taken $150 injections to induce ovulation and progesterone suppositories (what fun!). Oh, and had three more early miscarriages. After the last one I told my husband that I didn't think I could do it anymore. Going to the doctor had become a depressing, taxing experience. Even when it worked...it didn't last for long. The doctors were not terribly helpful and I was tired of the roller-coaster of emotions. My husband was supportive and agreed that we could stop. I had been considering the possibility of adoption for a few months by that point, but on that day, we both agreed that it would be a better option for us. I'm sure he will soon eat these words as we begin our pursuit of adoption, but as we sat at our kitchen island with solemn faces, he stated that adoption seemed so much easier than having a baby ourselves. I agreed.

And that, dear reader, is how we ended one journey, and began another.

And... now we have an Agency!

Picking an adoption agency is like picking a realtor; a realtor who will ask you to get finger printed, learn personal information about your marriage, and interview your friends and co-workers about your ability to be a parent. When most people decide to have a baby they have unprotected sex and then go out and buy a pregnancy test. And...it works. Not so much for us, but you've already heard about all of that. Now we are on the road to adoption. And so far it hasn't been too rough of a road, but we pretty much just got in the car and backed out of our driveway.

For much of June and July, we met with adoption agencies around Denver. There are plenty of them! We met with five: Bethany Christian Services, Hope's Promise, Adoption Options, Lutheran Family Services, and Colorado Christian Services.

These are the types of questions we learned to ask:
-How many waiting couples do you currently have? (This varied from 10-50.)
-How long is the usual wait for a child? (18-24 months, on average.)
-What are your fees? ($21,000-$27,000 depending on the agency.)
-Do you charge more for twins? (Some do! And some did not.)
-What are the demographics of your birth mothers? (In Colorado they are typically Caucasian, but can be Native-American, Hispanic or African-American.)
- How quickly are you able to complete a home study? (Between 3-6 months, depending on the agency.)
-How do you advertise? (Websites, bars, churches, Planned Parenthood, etc.)
-How many placements do you have a year? (5-30, depending on the size of the agency.)
-Are couples put on a list and shown as they reach the top, or are they shown as soon as they are approved? (varied)
-Do you use profile books or videos? (varied)
-What is your required level of openness with the birth mother and/or father? (Mainly open or semi-open.)

We decided that a domestic infant adoption is what would work best for us. We want to have a baby. Domestic infant adoptions allow you to have a connection with a child from the day they leave the hospital. Also, international adoptions are declining and looked like a riskier option that would not work as well for us. Foster-to-adopt programs through the county are free, but the children are often older and come from difficult circumstances. Someday we might be ready to take that on, but not now.
All of the agencies we met with offer domestic infant adoptions. We did not leave a single meeting feeling like the agency would be a poor choice. Thankfully and prayerfully though, we decided that Colorado Christian Services was the best choice for us. CCS is a small agency. The hubs and I chose to attend a college of less than 2,000 people. We like small. CCS has three very-experienced case workers, two for the adoptive couples and one for the birth parents. They cap the number of waiting couples they work with at 10 and usually have 5-10 placements a year. With so few couples, they really get to know you and won't make you feel like a number (which is the same thing my college admissions counselor told me!).  Their fees, though comparable, were less than the other agencies we met with. When I looked on-line at reviews it became clear that this small, Christian agency, is out to serve birth parents and adoptive families equally and that they do it incredibly well. The fact that they are religious was important to me. They believe that God has a specific child that is meant to be placed with us.  It is comforting and familiar to be able to pray with our caseworker and know that she has also gone through infertility and adoption. Unlike so many of our friends and family (who are awesome!) our case worker gets it.
I also liked that they are located only five miles from our house- Denver's rush hour is misery!

Once we decided on CCS, our next step was to attend their 17-hour, mandatory training. They offer this two times a year. Luckily, they happened to have one in August. The training was so thoughtfully organized and personalized to each of the couple's experiences that the hubs and I both felt safe, cared for,and informed. There were five other couples in the training with us. Some had already been matched with babies and some were just starting out like us. One of the couples was deaf so we were able to watch the translators during the presentations, too, which was interesting. We learned how to put on a diaper, how to make formula, what to expect at the hospital, how to create a profile book, what purple crying is (the sign for crying is what you would imagine, but looks so funny when a 40-year-old translator does it!), and so much more. The most meaningful parts of the training were the opportunities to meet a birth mother and an adoptive couple. They shared their stories and let us ask any questions we had. We gained so much respect for birth mothers and came to see the value of an open or semi-open adoption for all involved. The adoptive couple let us know that the love they feel for their adoptive daughter is equal to that for their older, biological daughter. I imagined that it would be, but it was still comforting to hear.

In the two weeks that have passed since our training, we have both had physicals, been finger printed, sent in criminal background release forms, filled out about 15 other forms and had them notarized. We have also decided on references, gathered copies of our marriage and birth certificates, signed up for CPR/First Aid classes, and drawn a floor plan of our house with the square-footage. Some of these seem like things every new parent should do, and some just seem silly, but it all brings us one step closer to our baby. Once our background checks come back to the agency we will be able to begin the official Home Study. This will consist of a series of interviews with our caseworker and an inspection of our home. During that time we will also have professional photos taken (season neutral!), create a profile book, and write a letter to the birth mother to be placed on CCS's website. The road to adoption will probably be a long one, but we are packed and ready to go.

We greatly appreciate your prayers during this process. If you would like to learn more about Colorado Christian Services, their website is https://www.christianservices.org/ .